Stock up on Magic Erasers.
You don't want to watch TV through red scribble, do you?
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
IKEA Virgin
I’ve been intimidated by IKEA for about a year now. Have you seen the size of that place?
I decide to go.
I made sure to pack the divine Miss E some snacks and a drink, since we were bound to be there for awhile. I’ve been shopping for a new bed, and want to check out their mattresses. We hit the road and 45 minutes later, we are pulling into the parking lot.
It’s bigger than it looked from the interstate. I get a little panicked. I fight the urge to turn around and immediately head for the safety of Target. (Does anyone else think I should see a shrink about my fear of IKEA, misc theme park rides, being surrounded by school buses and sitting in a room alone with the door closed?). I briefly ponder where the emergency exits are located.
I find a good parking spot, which is good because it’s really busy.
I plop E in a cart that was roaming the parking lot, which keeps trying to roll away from me. It’s windy out and I have to hold both back wheels between my feet to keep the damn thing still for a minute. I look like a total dumbass. I take off an immediately notice that there is something WRONG with the cart. It must be possessed. I steal a look around to see if anyone else is having trouble. Nope.. Have you ever used their carts? Apparently, they are of the "all wheel drive" persuasion, not like your regular shopping cart (which only has 2 casters). It’s really obnoxious.
Good for maneuvering tight aisles, though.
I cruise in, struggling to keep the cart in a straight line. It doesn’t feel as big inside as it looks. I see the door greeter but fail to notice he’s holding a stack of maps. I also fail to notice the shortcuts and arrows on the floor, telling me which way I have to go.
I roam around and mistakenly take a shortcut, which I didn’t know was a shortcut, because I was just following other people around to try and find where I was supposed to escape the land of couches.
I eventually find the mattresses. They are meh. I sit on a few, and find one that is passable. I jot down the strange numbers on the tag, as well as the bed base and some other assorted accessories. I go off in search of a bed. I find more mattresses and a bunch of kid beds.
I run into a coworker, who is with his 2 kids and sister. They are shopping for kid beds. I text my boss to tell her who I saw. It takes 3 tries to go through, because my signal is crap in the middle of the store.
I finally spot an adult bed in the corner and take off in that direction.
I nearly have 8 head on cart collisions before I realize there are arrows on the floor, telling me which way to go. I am going to wrong way. I keep going the wrong way, because damnit, the rest of the beds are on the other side! I wonder if I can get a ticket for that?
E starts screaming. She’s not angry, just loud. I shove animal crackers in her mouth and she pipes down. Repeat x10.
I spot a couple of cool beds. The one I want doesn’t have the stupid numbers on it. This vexes me. I jot down the mysterious numbers off of a couple other beds I like and hope it is in the same area in this strange "Self Serve Furniture" area they keep pointing me to. I wander through the mattresses again and run into my coworker again. This is getting awkward!
I roam over to kids stuff and pick up a couple cool hanging toy holder things for E’s room, and then make my way over to bedding. I follow the arrows, this time!
I go back and forth between the sheets and quilts and quilt covers and bedspreads for about 25 minutes. I find some cool lime green sheets and pick up a set for my future bed.
I want to see how big the boxes are to see if they will fit in my car without strapping E to the roof, so I follow the happy little arrows over the river and through the woods (and lighting!) to Self Serve’s house we go. They have some kick ass wall lights that I want, but don’t want to get today.
I finally get over to the land of Self Serve, and go to the row and bin I jotted down. It’s the wrong thing! I find it 2 aisles over. The mattresses is pretty bulky, I’d need a flat cart to haul it out to the car, and that’s no easy task with E around. I look for the other accessories and decide that I will need to come back, sans baby, plus big strong man (or wo-man, I’m not picky).
I get to the registers. Holy smokes, the lines are long. I wait, and wait. Luckily, my line moves a whole hell of a lot faster than the others.
I make it to my car, alive, and throw kid + purchases in. I peal out of the parking lot, narrowly missing an escapee cart that is cruising the lot on its own.
I can’t wait to go back Thursday!
I decide to go.
I made sure to pack the divine Miss E some snacks and a drink, since we were bound to be there for awhile. I’ve been shopping for a new bed, and want to check out their mattresses. We hit the road and 45 minutes later, we are pulling into the parking lot.
It’s bigger than it looked from the interstate. I get a little panicked. I fight the urge to turn around and immediately head for the safety of Target. (Does anyone else think I should see a shrink about my fear of IKEA, misc theme park rides, being surrounded by school buses and sitting in a room alone with the door closed?). I briefly ponder where the emergency exits are located.
I find a good parking spot, which is good because it’s really busy.
I plop E in a cart that was roaming the parking lot, which keeps trying to roll away from me. It’s windy out and I have to hold both back wheels between my feet to keep the damn thing still for a minute. I look like a total dumbass. I take off an immediately notice that there is something WRONG with the cart. It must be possessed. I steal a look around to see if anyone else is having trouble. Nope.. Have you ever used their carts? Apparently, they are of the "all wheel drive" persuasion, not like your regular shopping cart (which only has 2 casters). It’s really obnoxious.
Good for maneuvering tight aisles, though.
I cruise in, struggling to keep the cart in a straight line. It doesn’t feel as big inside as it looks. I see the door greeter but fail to notice he’s holding a stack of maps. I also fail to notice the shortcuts and arrows on the floor, telling me which way I have to go.
I roam around and mistakenly take a shortcut, which I didn’t know was a shortcut, because I was just following other people around to try and find where I was supposed to escape the land of couches.
I eventually find the mattresses. They are meh. I sit on a few, and find one that is passable. I jot down the strange numbers on the tag, as well as the bed base and some other assorted accessories. I go off in search of a bed. I find more mattresses and a bunch of kid beds.
I run into a coworker, who is with his 2 kids and sister. They are shopping for kid beds. I text my boss to tell her who I saw. It takes 3 tries to go through, because my signal is crap in the middle of the store.
I finally spot an adult bed in the corner and take off in that direction.
I nearly have 8 head on cart collisions before I realize there are arrows on the floor, telling me which way to go. I am going to wrong way. I keep going the wrong way, because damnit, the rest of the beds are on the other side! I wonder if I can get a ticket for that?
E starts screaming. She’s not angry, just loud. I shove animal crackers in her mouth and she pipes down. Repeat x10.
I spot a couple of cool beds. The one I want doesn’t have the stupid numbers on it. This vexes me. I jot down the mysterious numbers off of a couple other beds I like and hope it is in the same area in this strange "Self Serve Furniture" area they keep pointing me to. I wander through the mattresses again and run into my coworker again. This is getting awkward!
I roam over to kids stuff and pick up a couple cool hanging toy holder things for E’s room, and then make my way over to bedding. I follow the arrows, this time!
I go back and forth between the sheets and quilts and quilt covers and bedspreads for about 25 minutes. I find some cool lime green sheets and pick up a set for my future bed.
I want to see how big the boxes are to see if they will fit in my car without strapping E to the roof, so I follow the happy little arrows over the river and through the woods (and lighting!) to Self Serve’s house we go. They have some kick ass wall lights that I want, but don’t want to get today.
I finally get over to the land of Self Serve, and go to the row and bin I jotted down. It’s the wrong thing! I find it 2 aisles over. The mattresses is pretty bulky, I’d need a flat cart to haul it out to the car, and that’s no easy task with E around. I look for the other accessories and decide that I will need to come back, sans baby, plus big strong man (or wo-man, I’m not picky).
I get to the registers. Holy smokes, the lines are long. I wait, and wait. Luckily, my line moves a whole hell of a lot faster than the others.
I make it to my car, alive, and throw kid + purchases in. I peal out of the parking lot, narrowly missing an escapee cart that is cruising the lot on its own.
I can’t wait to go back Thursday!
Friday, March 21, 2008
How to kill a flying insect: Girly edition
Step 1. Wait for bug to kill self. Ask it nicely, if you must. If it refuses, ask someone else to do it, if possible.
If this fails, drastic measures must be taken.
Gather your supplies, but keep an eye on that bug! You don’t want it to disappear and dive bomb you in your sleep, again, do you?
You will need a cup. Preferably laced with poison of some kind, but a plastic one will do. Also, a piece of stiff cardboard or plastic to cover the cup (a CD case cover works well, so you can see what you’re doing). Make sure you have easy access to a sink and toilet. Toilets with that heavy duty industrial flush work best, but any flushing toilet will do in a pinch.
Step 2. Turn on light. Pray bug will fly into it at a high rate of speed.
Step 3. Wait for bug to land, or become stunned from its multiple flights and fall to the floor (this is ideal!)
Step 3a. If bug refuses to land, chase it around using your cup like a butterfly net.
Step 4. If it was a mid-flight catch, take that little asshole down to the floor. If he landed on the floor, just cover it with the cup. Flick the bottom of the cup to show that bug whose boss!
Step 5. Slide cardboard or plastic* under cup. DO NOT LET BUG OUT. *note Saran Wrap is not an effective for of plastic for this procedure. Use something stiff, you dimwit.
Step 6. Carefully pick the (now) covered cup up. Flip it over at a high rate of speed. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T LET THE COVER SLIP!
Step 7. Shake it like a salt shaker
Step 8. Run around screaming with cup/cover combo in hand.
Step 9. Regain control, take cup/cover to sink. Give the cover a few good flicks to make sure the little bastard is good and stunned. Shake the cup again, for good measure.
Step 10. Turn the sink on full blast. Slide the cover off 1/4" and let the water run in. Fill the cup about 1/4 full.
Step 11. Cover cup again, and shake the cup side to side. Drown the fucker!
Step 12. Add more water. Repeat shaking.
Step 13. Shake more.
Step 14. If bug is sufficiently stunned, or possibly dead, proceed to the toilet.
Step 15. Speed is important! Flush the toilet, and as the last half of the water goes down, quickly yank off the cover, dump the bug water into the toilet.
Step 16. Cover toilet. Flush again.
Step 17. Throw away cup. You don’t want to drink bug shit, do you?
Step 18. Carefully lift toilet lid and check to make sure you don’t have a renegade bug.
Step 19. If bug returns from the land of Poo, you need to move out, ASAP.
Step 20. Wash hands a dozen times.
Step 21. Better yet, go shower. Twice.
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